Confessionals

My Descent into Sub-Par Parenting

After my first child, I was the perfect mom. I loved him so much! That love was expressed through my desire to do everything in my power to make sure he was taken care of in all the right ways. I also felt like, because I was a young single mother, I had something to prove. I went the extra mile for my son as much as possible.

A few years later I had twins, and then our fourth and final baby came not long after that. My, oh my, things sure do change once child number 4 enters the picture! Obviously I still love my kids and take care of them, but my slow descent into sub-par parenting is unmistakeable if you look back on the last 13 years.

Nutrition:

After Child 1: Homemade baby food, carefully strained of irregular-sized pieces. Meticulously planned meals with attention paid to calories and full inclusion of the 5 food groups.

After Child 2 & 3: Fruits and vegetables at most meals.

After Child 4 I introduce “bathtub dining”. After a long day of work, errands, and driving children to and from events there has been more than one occasion when we’ve gotten home late and my dirty little children finished their last few bites of dinner in the tub. We pretended we were mermaids though, and they thought it was awesome. 🙂

Extracurricular:

After Child 1: Mommy and me playgroups until old enough to play sports. Mom sits and watches every single weekend game and after-work practice. Mom volunteers at AWANAS and VBS.

After Child 2 & 3: Weekly trips to the library for story time and sing-alongs. We learn our Sunday School verse in the car on the way to church.

After Child 4- free time? What’s that? 😉

Bedtime:

After Child 1: After a relaxing bath and some soothing lavender lotion, we read stories for at least 20 minutes. Then Mommy sings songs while child drifts off to sleep.

After Child 2 & 3: Snuggle up on the couch and read a story after bath time, then off to bed where we sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”.

After Child 4 Mommy runs out of steam at around 7 pm. Baths sometimes go like this: Screen Shot 2016-03-29 at 5.06.00 PM

Followed by rousing games of “catch the naked baby” and “who peed on the floor?”

Academic Enrichment:

After Child 1: Home-made pocket charts to help learn sorting and early phonics skills. Educational CD-ROM computer games. Flash cards to practice skills in the car.

After Child 2 & 3: We sometimes read stories. Mommy doesn’t correct their speech errors because she thinks their toddler talk is cute .

After Child 4: Story time always ends up with someone crawling across the book or turning all the pages too fast.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDY0n3YoncK/?taken-by=nstevens223

Wardrobe:

After Child 1: All the latest styles from expensive boutiques. Brand-new clothing and toys with each developmental milestone.

After Child 2 & 3: Hand-me-downs for the win!

After Child 4 we still have a lot of baby girl stuff in good condition, so baby boy sometimes wears a pink bib or his sisters’ pajama pants. But only around the house, I promise!

When my oldest was born 13 years ago, I did things a lot differently because I just had him to take care of. But over the last few years I was running myself ragged trying to keep up with everything I was able to do when I only had one child. Now that I am a mom of 4, I no longer think I have to prove my love for my kids by doing all the extra things. Not that there is anything wrong with spending extra time and effort on your kids, I just don’t have the minutes in my day to do that anymore! I love them, and do as much as I can for them, and that is all that matters to me.

Being a Grownup is Tough

I just realized that I’m a few short months away from being another year older. At 18, I knew it all. I had a part-time job, a driver’s license, friends who did exciting things. Living the grownup life was awesome…. For a time. Then I got a REAL grownup life. The kind that comes with big, important things and actual responsibilities. That’s when I learned that being a grownup is not all fun and games. Sometimes it’s downright difficult.

A few reasons why I think being a grownup is tough.

Via Pixabay

You know better than to Google your illness symptoms, but you do it anyway.

When I was barely an adult I got a horrible sickness. I fluctuated between hot flashes and bitter cold and ran a fever of 104. I went to the clinic, got a shot of antibiotics and went back to school/work. If that same thing had happened to me now that I’m a grownup, it would be a whole different story. First I would do a Google search for what type of illness gives you hot and cold flashes.This would inevitably lead me to conclude that I either am experiencing early menopause or a severe case of hypothyroidism. I’d end up at urgent care, convinced I was going to have to undergo long-term treatment for my self-diagnosed condition, only to find out it’s nothing some rest and drinking lots of fluids can take care of. As a grownup, you know how serious illnesses can be. This is why if you don’t want to scare yourself, you should think twice before Googling every symptom.

You have to pay taxes

I understand the national importance of paying taxes, and they’re not too bad when you end up getting money back. But then there are the times when *dun dun dunnnnnnnn* (insert Morgan Freeman voiceover) you owe on your taxes. It’s a scary feeling.

You have to make decisions

Do I want this job or that job? What if I take that new job, but it doesn’t work out and I end up with no job? Should I move to a new home? Can I afford to move? Do I get that blotchy skin patch looked at (but remember don’t Google it!), or do I wait and see if it grows/morphs into a weird shape? So many decisions! I’ve found myself, on more than one occasion, wishing I didn’t have to be the grownup who had to make the big decision.

You get held responsible for stuff.

Back in the day there was nothing like a high school party. The really good ones were the kind that had people jumping fully-clothed into pools and cars parked all over the lawn. Grownups do not have these types of parties. Because grownups do not like the idea of losing their homeowners insurance or getting sued. Also, grownups know that they are the ones who will be cleaning up after the rowdy ruffians all go home, and grownups would rather be doing something else.

I’m 35 and I think I finally can call myself a grownup. Or at least, I’ve learned a few lessons about responsibility that make me feel like I’ve mastered some part of the journey of life. It’s not like I live out my days in perpetual fear, because I still do crazy things. If I had to, I wouldn’t go back to the days of my carefree youth. Life is sometimes harder as a grownup, and can even be scary but I’ll take it because I don’t think I have the energy to keep up with my younger self!

Joy in the Unexpected

I used to feel that, where we are right now… Something’s got to change. Like It just isn’t healthy for our family, for our marriage, for our bodies both mentally and physically. Yet I’m at a loss. I’ve read hundreds of articles on working mom solutions and their advice is terrible because most of them are helpful in a situation where the family has enough money to hire a nanny or cleaning help, or a family who has other family members who help them out. We aren’t in either of those scenarios.

Through this hard time I’ve learned that sometimes life just stinks, and you have to pull up your pantyhose and keep on going despite how crummy your situation is. And you have to find a reason to smile.

I work a lot. I mean, a lot. I have a full-time job at a school, 9-10 hours a day with up to 3 hours of commuting, plus a part-time job on the side. John works nights and goes to school. And in spite of that we’re barely hanging on to the apartment that houses the six of us, we drive old paid-off cars, and we never eat out or go places that cost money.

A month ago I was miserable. I cried almost every day and I said all sorts of nasty things when my alarm went off at 4 a.m. I hated how unhappy I was and I wanted so desperately to change the way things were. I prayed about it and begged God to either change my situation or change the way I saw it, and give me joy in spite of the crummy circumstances. I was really counting on Him changing our lives. Maybe He could provide some financial relief, a new job that pays better, or somehow make it so we didn’t all have to stretch ourselves so thin. But none of those things happened.

I also asked for joy. I didn’t want to just be happy, because happiness is a temporary, fleeting feeling that I had sought after in the past with no lasting results. I wanted JOY, joy that would permeate my being .

I didn’t get a better-paying job but I have learned to be content with where I am now by finding pleasure in the small things. Like Wednesday, when there were 3 small birds in the tree just outside my classroom, and somehow their lighthearted chirping lifted my spirits. Another time I was on recess duty (because we supervise our lunches and recesses, which means little to no breaks during the workday). Just a few weeks ago I would have been blinded by the unfairness of having a job without breaks, but on that particular day I was instead fascinated by the green clumps of clovers that grew in the field where the children play. They were so beautiful and each with its own unique leaf pattern. The beauty of the world we live in totally took my mind off of thinking negative thoughts. There have been so many of these instances lately when my natural tendencies would be to stew in my unhappiness, but what actually happened was I found a reason to smile and that smile stuck with me the rest of the day.

I was so hoping that our situation would change. I even went on an interview for what seemed like the perfect job, but in the end I didn’t get it. So now I’m coming to grips with the reality that this is just how our life is going to be for a while. In the grand scheme of things, this is a tiny segment in the timeline of our lives. We can make it through. And, can I really feel sorry for myself when there are so many people in the world who are struggling with health issues, or living in utter poverty or in a war-torn country? When you put things in perspective, having a heavy workload is such a first-world problem.

I find new reasons to smile every day, and they keep me going when times are tough. Life is too short to waste a beautiful day brooding in self-pity. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely going to keep praying for some relief. But in the meanwhile I’ll stay on the lookout for more joy in the unexpected.

My Big Fat Attitude Adjustment

Shocking, I know. But I’m not gonna lie: This mom needed an attitude adjustment for her big, fat attitude. And I wasn’t even aware that I was being a snot until it had been going on for a long time.

I learned my lesson from a grouchy little boy in my 4th grade Sunday School class.

In our class, kids can apply to be a part of the Leadership Team of Awesomness (or LToA for short ;). Kids on the leadership team wear a special name tag and help out with little jobs during the service. They have a choice of whether they want to do things like pass out flyers, collect the offering, set up activities, or lead worship. Certain jobs, like running the tech equipment, require training and are only available to a few kids. The leadership team is a fun way for the kids to serve others and to create a classroom community together. Kids have to apply to be on the team so they and their parents understand that they are making a commitment. Parents sign the application too because it’s their responsibility to get their child to church on a semi-regular basis if he or she is to help out.

One little boy had signed a commitment form to be a part of the class’s leadership team. 2 Sundays ago he got really upset at me because I wouldn’t let him do the tech job. He didn’t know how to use the sound equipment, he hadn’t been trained ahead of time, and I couldn’t train him during the service. Kids have to show up early if they want to be trained for tech. Well, like I said he was very grouchy and gave me a lot of attitude when I asked him to choose another job. He angrily announced that he would not help that Sunday because he was quitting the LToA. Then the following Sunday he wasn’t at church.

This may be a Public Domain Image via Pixabay, but this is a lot like how the tech board looks in our class!

As I was elbow-deep in soapy water and dirty dishes one afternoon my mind kept going back to the last Sunday I saw that boy. Did I do the right thing? I feel like I did. it wouldn’t have been reasonable for me to give in to him. He didn’t know how to work the equipment, and I couldn’t very well teach him to use it while teaching the Sunday School lesson.

Then, ashamed as I am to say it, I started feeling resentful towards the boy. What was he thinking anyway? Like I’m just going to let him do whatever he wants just because he gets moody at me? He’s supposed to be serving others for the joy of servanthood. He should be willing to do whatever job was necessary. Ugh.

Meanwhile I was still scrubbing away at those pots and pans. Some of them had been sitting in the sink for a loooooooong time, and the food was really stuck on them! I turned my irritation from the little boy to those nasty dishes. My internal argument went something like this:

Seriously, am I the only one capable of washing dishes in this house? It’s like I’m an underpaid housekeeper! I do all the work outside the home, then come home and do all the cooking and cleaning and teeth brushing and baths and… This is ridiculous. I’m going to get John and Logan in here to start helping. I am NOT going to keep cleaning this house for no recognition. Why should it be me that does everything? I mean, yesterday I came home from work and the trash was overflowing! Would it kill them to take it out? For Pete’s sake.

And that’s when it hit me. I realized that I am no different than that grouchy little boy in Sunday School.

Friends, I felt totally convicted. My husband and son do help. A lot. John always takes the trash out, it’s only my job when he’s not around to do it. And really, the house wasn’t very messy that day. I couldn’t justify asking everyone to drop what they were doing because I wanted them to clean.right.now. I was cleaning on that lazy weekend afternoon because I wanted to. I like keeping a tidy home. Providing a clean, comfortable home is how I serve my loved ones. Like that little boy, I shouldn’t scoff at my chance to serve.

Lately we’ve been so crazy busy. John and I have opposite schedules so we aren’t often home at the same time. It’s the least I can do to keep from bombarding him with negativity or nagging him to be more clean, like me. What would that do to our already-stretched-thin relationship? We have 3 children 3 and under, and all 6 of us are living in a tiny apartment (we ended up not being able to afford that house I wanted to rent). It’s just a tough season for everyone. John and Logan don’t feel the need to clean 24/7 like I do. With there almost always being one parent away at work, things are just going to be difficult until the little guys get more independent. Since neither John nor I can do it all, I guess I can keep things as tidy as possible without grumbling.

Via LiveLuvCreate

And that, my friends, was how I achieved my big fat attitude adjustment. I don’t like feeling resentful towards my family for things none of us can change. Instead of getting irritable when times are tough, I’ve decided to shift my perspective. I could choose to feel sorry for myself for having to work hard every day of my life until John finishes school. But you know what, I’ve tried that and all it got me was wrinkles in my grouchy face. It feels a lot better on the inside to look at the work I have to do as a way I am serving my family. Yes, it feels like the next 3 years of John’s school are an eternity of long commutes and lots of housework for me. But it’s not forever. And what my kids will remember is how I took on this challenge with grace.

Hopefully. 😉